It is hard to believe another month has past... and yet again it went so quickly I can’t seem to match the days up with the weeks. It was a busy month and a blurry month. It was jam- packed and really fun and really hard. I had some really high highs followed by the really low lows. I continually think I have this all figured out-- when my bus will come, the correct change, the right amount of sleep, groceries in the house, how to pass lonely nights, plans with new friends and old but the unexpected lurks and it pops up just when everything expected seems to be flowing in your favor. I am a peace corps volunteer and this is my life, a frustrating one at times but an overly joyous one the next moment later... or 5.
This month started with ahendu weekend. Ahendu means I listen in guarani and it is a concert showcase of the talented peace corps volunteers we have in country. This happens about every 3 months and it is a blast. We rent our a venue and have the night to ourselves, for one night we all feel like were being normal americans hanging out with our friends.. a night to scrub some of that dirt of your feet ( or not), do your hair and wear something that makes you feel like some kind of attractive human being..for my friends and I at least. Ahendu was fun.. we listened, danced and got to watch some of my friends perform! For one weekend I felt like I was doing normal things with my friends and I didn’t hate speaking english a lot! It was a nice escape and one of my favorite weekends thus far in PC.
Its hard though because there is a guilt that builds up and I’d being lying if I denied its existence. We are volunteers, we are here to work. And some times we get together and play and do american things and behave like animals ( compared to a Paraguayan standard) but I have learned and still learning that I can work and live with my community and be integrated, but there comes a time, a limit if you will that my sanity needs to be tended to and thank goodness for Ahendu. Because never in my life have I been surrounded by so many like minded people that have just spent 3 months in site, working, enduring and living a paraguayan-american life.. and never have we ever enjoyed a weekend away together so much.. and my sanity lives on..
Then it was sunday and the weekend was over.. but it wasn’t the saddest thing ever because I got to hop on a plane and go to america for the week and watch a good friend marry her best friend...and if I didn’t feel guilty before... a week in america will send you on one long guilt trip. But I’m a big girl and sucked it up and enjoyed that week. It was so special and went so fast. I’ve never done that much in one week in a while. After the week was over I swore I had been there for a month... but really it was 7 sweet days.
So a little escape to america is just what any Peace Corps volunteer needs to question their whole service.. and thats just what I did the whole 24 hours back to Paraguay. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? Does it even matter? Why is everything so easy in america? Why why why??? It only took a week and I was back to loving this place once again. I’m learning how important it is to know and understand that there can be hard, difficult stuff and how you can love a place much more when you know that. I feel like knowing all its darkness and struggle helps me to keep loving Paraguay and really loving it for what it is as a whole.
I spent the last week getting my plans set up to work in the school. This was a week long task and took almost all I had out of me. Things happen really slow around here, so slow you sometimes forget that they are happening. It was a hard week but reminded me again why I am here and what is means to be working in a developing country, all lessons, all the time. And then mid week to receive that text message with that news that you never want to hear or read or even imagine.
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There are no words. I hesitate even writing what I am going to because it will do no justice. With that being said and with a heavy, sad and confused heart a fellow Peace Corps Paraguay volunteer pasted away last week. Porter was from Virginia and came down to Paraguay in the group before mine. He was young, a hard worker and completely loved and respected by his Paraguayan community and his Peace Corps community. I wasn’t close with him but some of my friends were, none the less he was a volunteer and we are all a family here and his passing is hard, sad and difficult.
My thoughts first go to his family, how I could not even imagine how a family could receive such news. Then to him, to his life and how short it was. Then to our lives and our time on this earth and how short and precious it all can be. How quick it can be taken and how quickly Porters was taken. There are a lot of unanswered questions, somethings we may never know or begin to understand...and I keep trying to work through those questions and thoughts...its not easy and if I stay on one thought for too long I start to feel lost.
This week we as a Peace Corps family we will honor Porter, but even more so after this week will his memory live on. If you would like to read more on Porter and his life please click here - The Peace Corps wrote this beautiful and very honoring press release.
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So theres my March. It was full and unexpected and difficult. But how much more can we love a place when we know how hard and challenging it can be. For to love something whole we much love all parts of it, we must be all in. It’s hard and sometimes I don’t want to do it but this month taught me to love all parts of my peace corps service, the really ugly, difficult parts along side the beautiful, growing and exciting.
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