The daily emotions that a peace corps volunteer goes through ( myself included) are inexplicable...sometimes I go to call a friend and I am even speechless. Like I know whats going on but I can't explain how or why I am actually feeling they way I am or what series of events got me to that place. Usually it starts with a plan that is interrupted by some paraguayan plan that I was unaware of and so on.. the little failures begin. Now I know my successes and I normal just blog about them to save you from my rants...but drum roll... lets be real and even people in america are not happy and successful all the time and they have washing machines, chick- fil-a, reality TV and heated homes... so the struggle is real down here and I just wanna share a bit of it with you, how lucky are you!
Some days I have no problem with paraguayans and want to voluntarily spend all my time and energy with them. But then there are days like today where I almost scream or hysterically cry because I just can't do it and don't want to try any more. Yes, these are great, loving and inviting people but there are times where I in my own skin need a break. I need my bed, I need a hot shower and I need a batch of brownies...and I need to be reminded of where I came from.
It is really easy to get caught up in paraguayan culture, forget your own and jump on the paraguayan train.. abandon all regards to sanity, order and basic needs..this only goes on for a bit till it catches up to you and you least expect it. Like today when I was at a little girls birthday party and something inside of me was calling me to run, abandon ship and flee. Now this makes me instantly feel like a horrible person, hate myself and overflow with guilt of the horrible social crime I have just committed on an innocent 8 year old. But then I remember truth.
And the truth here is that I am different, I do not come from the same place they do, I do not speak there language like they do, I look different and I act differently and I feel differently. And as much as I try and adopt and adjust myself to be more culturally friendly and Paraguayan- I'm not. So the truth is I don't have to also be where they are, speak like them, behave like them and do life with them all the time. I can feel differently, say no and take a break. We all need breaks from the day to day and down here the day to day wears on me unlike any other.
And so as much as I love these people, this country and the life I am living --today was a break day. Today was my check for reality, my step away, head home and make some brownies day. Because a batch of brownies saved me today and it calmed my soul, gave me a break and reminded me of the truth we as peace corps volunteers are reminded everyday as we strive to be more like our host country natives.
Disclaimer: I am only human. These days happen and sometimes more then you'd like. And I have a lot of intentions but I fail a lot and I try a lot and in the mix of it all each day feels a little more like home and I make it work. 1 year in and still loving this country and this people to the best of my good days abilities. As for the bad days.. I have Gilmore Girls, my american friends and brownies to ease the pain...and the world spins madly on...
Me and the innocent 8 year old before I fled the party!
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