I love you Paraguay

It's that simple. I love you Paraguay. I love your blossoming flowers this time of year. I love the fullness of life you give me. I love your fresh, delicious harvest of fruits and veggies. I love how green you are, how no matter were you turn there is abunant lushness. I love your surprises. How you always keep me on my feet. I love your laughter, for your people truly are the happiest. I love your sounds and the birds that always seem to follow me with their hyms. I love your color and the way you sun kiss everything in site. I love your pride and your history that has made you, you. I love the hands of your people, how they seem to always be open, ready to give. I love your invitations and the fiestas that follow. I love your sky and its perfect color blue. I love the way you have made me, me. 

 

I'm taking some time to reflect on the things I love about Paraguay, as I only have one more week here. I could never really put into words everything that I love about Paraguay, there is just too much. As I finish this season in my life I am comforted knowing that I will be back. So much of my heart is here, I know it won't be long before I return. I closed my service as a Peace Corps Volunteer last week and am now officially a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer as they like to call us. Check out the image below. In Paraguay when a volunteer closes their service they ring a bell as a symbol of finishing their time as a volunteer. Thanks for everyone's support and love! I look forward to seeing a lot of you stateside in the coming weeks! 

Estoy Viva

I'm alive. I am very much alive, although this blog doesn't reflect that, I promise I am still here. I'm not sure why posting has been so hard for me this past year. I can think of a few reasons, I work a lot in the office and try to limit my time staring at more screens if I don't have too, I don't feel as adventurous as before ( I'm working in this) and the seasons of my life have just been changing. I could go on.

Today I received an email from someone in the states that has been invited to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Paraguay and has been reading my blog. He had so many compliments and nice things to say about my blog it inspired me to sit down and write this post. I think I forget sometimes how important this blog was for me during my two years of service. I forgot how much I enjoyed sharing my life and experiences with you and how supportive you all were. Thanks again for that! I apologize if I have disappointed anyone this last year at my lack of posting. We all have our struggles. Mine has been communication, for sure. And it doesn't help that I have gone through two computers and have boycotted purchasing a new one. Trying to type long letters on an iPad is a struggle! But tonight I am motivated. 

This last year. What do I even say. Where do I even begin.  I am still very much in love with Paraguay and a certain Paraguayan. I love my job in the office and I love the simplicity my life has been. I have enjoyed my work and the amazing people I have had the pleasure working with. I have grown up and matured in some many new ways. Not only personal growth but professional growth. I have continually been challenged in new ways and have learned so much about who I am and who I want to be. I don't know how I didn't see this coming, but I was surprised at how much really happened and changed me. I almost feel like a completely different person then I was a year ago. That's what change and growth do. Pure beauty. 

With all that said, you might think I have things figured out. Ha. Jokes on me. I think because of all the great experiences I've had it's made me more confused then ever about what's next. I've really held off on blogging about this or gosh even talking about it. Everyone keeps asking and every time I just look around like "wait are they talking to me." 

It goes like this. I extended my time here in Paraguay for 3 more months. My original 1 year would have finished in May. Now I am here till August. There are many reasons why I chose to stay for a bit, mostly I am still waiting to wake up one morning and feel like I'm ready to go home, but it hasn't happend. It's hard to prepare to leave a place you honestly love and enjoy with your whole being. That's how I feel about Paraguay. My whole being loves me here. 

So what is next? I am applying for jobs. Near and far. Do you want to hire me? I have incredible references and a very strong work ethic. I don't know where exactly I'll be come August. My mom is hoping its Maryland and my boyfriend is hoping its in his arms in Paraguay. How do you even deal with that? Both such incredibly special people that I care so deeply for. Cue the everyday tears, heart ache and sleepless nights. I find myself clinging to one thing- Todo va a estar bien... Everything will be okay.. Breathe. That's me right now. I am breathing. I am okay. I am taking it day by day. No answers and one million questions. Life is funny sometimes, things almost work out to well and before you know it, it has to change all over again. We are just the memories we create. 

I can't forget to mention my moms visit to Paraguay last month and the incredible time we had together! We traveled around Paraguay, Brazil and even a little of Argeninta, it was so special. We spent 2 whole weeks together and I loved it. She did so well, I really don't think she complained once. Which is impressive, traveling around South America can be difficult for some people. But my mom was a champion. I loved having her here and showing her all my places and introducing her to all my people. We really enjoyed ourselves! A big shot out to her amazing boss who made this all possible! We are incredible grateful for you and your generosity. What a kind soul and big heart you have. 

That's all for now, hopefully I can finish strong and write a few more post. Thanks for the love! 

25 for 25

As my 25th birthday has been approaching I've been doing some reflecting. I've wanted to do something symbolic and meaningful to celebrate these 25 beautiful years of my life, something that made sense to me and something I could share with all the people that have loved me these past 25 years. Ideally I would love to be able to celebrate this day with all my loved ones near and far. Unfortunately that realistic and physically can't happen. As an alternative I have come up with this.

 As I am writing this I am laughing because it is impossible to sum up these past 25 years. I am aware that would be more of a novel which maybe one day I might write but for now I have decided on this- 25 people that have either inspired me, impacted me, loved me or just been someone special in my last 25 years. Because who I am at 25 is a big testimony to all of you. I have so many memories of special people that have meant so much to me and as I turn 25 I would like to celebrate with you by making a small tribute to the impacts you have made in my life. So here it is 25 for 25. 

My Pop-Pop- Where do I start. When I reflect on you it brings me to tears because you were that incredible. You were a hero, a leader, a sweet soul but most importantly my grandfather. You took such good care of me and always had m&ms in your handkerchief. You had a way of always making me feel so special. Your memory is carried with me always, I mean I have half of your name so you are literally always with me! Thank you for those 14 years by your side, you were one of a kind. 

Mom- There really are no words. You are so special to me. You are inspiring, creative, loving and so much more. You are not only my mother but my friend. I really have no idea who I would be without you. I am incredibly thankful for the person you are and the person you have made me to be. I love you so much!! 

Dad- My dear dad. You are always keeping up with my adventures, making sure I am safe and enjoying myself. You may have not always loved me being away from home but you have supported me and I am so thankful for that. I have enjoyed spending the time we get together and am thankful to have you in my life. May we alway share our love for the road and a full gas tank :) 

Nanny- My grandmother, I love you. You are just the best! I really couldn’t say more! You love me so well and I am so thankful for our relationship. We are so lucky to share the relationship that we do and have the opportunity always see each other ( when I’m in the U.S.A). I remember even at a very young age going over to your house and having so much fun, well not a lot has change. You are a joy to be with and it is impressive how much energy you have. Thanks for being my grandmother and loving our whole family so well! 

Brother Ryan- At this point in your life you are probably a priest, but to me you were a brother. You taught me a very important lesson in the 8th grade. That instead of looking for a circle of friends to be apart of, make your own and invite others to join. I learned early on from you that it is was more important to be a leader then a follower and I am so thankful for that lesson. 

Rachel- She gets the BEST SISTER award! She seriously is the best. Although we have lived in different countries for the past 3 years we have not missed a beat. I feel like distance has almost been good for us. We have learned to talk all the time and I feel so involved in her life even all the way from Paraguay. Rachel is strong and independent and has such a beautiful life with her husband and puppy. I am so thankful for you Rachel, you make life so much sweeter. We are both so blessed to have a sisterhood like ours. 

Michael- My big brother. I remember when you packed your car and moved to Arkansas and I thought how cool and bold you were. I have always respected you and your eagerness to learn and succeed in life. It has been an example to me, especially in the last couple of years. I am grateful to have you as my brother but more importantly that we are friends. Love you! 

Graciela- I met Graciela the day I landed in Paraguay. She has been such an encouragement since day 1 in Paraguay. The adjustment to paraguayan culture was very difficult in the beginning and Graciela was the encouragement I needed. She helped me to be strong, take everything day by day and enjoy my Peace Corps experience. Now almost 3 years later she is still a close friend of mine. I value so much our relationship because of the way I have changed and grown since being in Paraguay, she deserves some of that credit. She placed me in the best site for me at the time and never let me feel alone. When I look back on my Peace Corps service I will always remember Graciela and the support and love she extended to me. 

Tammy- we go way back. You taught me how to pass out candy to the tricker treaters at Halloween and set the standard for the best candy. You let me play in your bathroom and pretend I was at a beauty parlor. Whenever the "older" kids were playing you always made sure I had something to do. You always cared so much for me. Not much has changed over the years. You have continued to care for my while I've been in Paraguay with your sweet cards and snail mail. I am so thankful for your thoughtfulness and big heart. 

Meme-  My other grandmother. She is a superstar. The energy and life she still has at her age is admirable. She still gets up and goes to work everyday, cooks dinner and does the yard work. She was always an example of hard work and drive. She always has a beautiful garden and a warm smile on her face. I love you so much Meme and thank you for all the warm memories! 

Molly- Molly my molly. You have consistently been such a light to me. Your spirit is so beautiful and I feel like our friendship has grown and transformed so much since we were young bruins at BHS. You inspire me to travel the world, explore, be creative and know more. I’ve learned so much about life’s experience from you, thank you for loving bee’s and beeing yourself!!  

Katie Jean- such a sweet soul. I worked very closely with Katie one summer in Saranac, New York. We started the summer as complete strangers and by the end were besties. Katie is the kind of person that makes life better. We don't live near each other and only see each other about every 1 or 2 years but everytime we're together it feels like no time has past. I love you so much Katie and am so thankful for you! 

Lori - Lori started as my boss at Pine Away but has over the years become an unintentional mentor/mother to me. I was quickly adopted into her family and feel as if I am one of their own. She is one of those people you met and just want to talk to and know more about.She is such an inspiration and an example of a strong, determined and successful woman. And to think it all started at Pine Away... 

Allison- Acorn, we've come a long way. I met you when I was just a little freshmen. Our friendship survived high school and college and just last month your wedding! You and your family are one of a kind. I am so thankful for you, robeks and our love for Taylor swift. 

Claire - Claire and I are cousins. Ever since I remember we’ve been having sleep overs. I am lucky that as we’ve grown up we have still remained close. Even though Claire is a few years younger than me I look up to her. She is such a poised, intelligent and just all around cool person. Claire is in medical school right now and just ran a marathon, like how does she do it? I am continually so impressed by her focus and love for life. Te Quiero Claire!  

Jake - My best guy friend ever. It is always a fun time with you. Sometimes I think we’ve had too much fun, if that’s possible. You are awesome Jake and I love you and hope we never grow apart! 

Libby - Liiiibbbyyyy, we are going to be friends for awhile! You are one of my favorites! Everything with you is fun! You make being alive better! I just want to eat snow cones with you and go on nature walks. Thanks for being my friend and talking to me sophomore year. You are one of those people I wish I could hang out with everyday! 

Alex- Alex and I arrived in Paraguay together. We became close early on with our love for chacos, cumbia, cheese and crackers and Yerba mate. I talked to Alex just about every day for 2 years and I'm not kidding. Alex spent my last 2 birthdays with me in Paraguay and I am sad this year we will be apart. Alex was such a great friend to me and I will be forever grateful for her. We shared one of life's greatest adventures together and she will forever be che amiga. Te quiero!!!!

Lauren - Lauren and I lived together for 3 years. We did everything together. I didn’t know it was possible to spend so much time with one person and not get sick of them. Lauren was my best friend. We had the most crazy adventures together. Lauren is the example of a free spirit. She moves with the wind and shares my love for feathers and holy things. I am forever grateful for our adventures, long talks, laughs and all the hours spent together. There is truly no one like her. Love you Laurrr!    

Heidi - I met sweet Heidi Foster when I was just a freshmen in college. She welcomed me into her home with the most open and warm arms. Heidi and her family were such a huge part of my 4 years in Lynchburg. I always had a place to go. I learned so much from spending those 4 years with them on raising a family, loving and seeking the Lord. I am so thankful for those sweet years and the Foster family.  

Gilberto- I met Gil a little over a year ago. Our story is one of my favorites. From the beginning he has been such a gentleman. He has taught me so much about love, trust and respect. He makes me laugh at the silliest things and makes me feel so loved. Life feels simpler and better by his side. Although I don't know what my future holds I hope he's in it. Te amo! 

Anne - What a beautiful soul. Anne Gibbons was a mentor of mine at Lynchburg College. We spent time together discussing world religions, poems, the meaning of life and love. Some of my most precious memories from college were by her side. Anne has a beautiful heart filled with so much love. I feel honored to have crossed paths with her. 

Diane- I met Diane about a year ago when I joined the Peace Corps Peer Support Network. We were on a retreat and she was sharing some of her stories of previous adventures and she was so captivating. I remember having one of those moments thinking " I have so much to learn from her." I have been lucky enough to work with her these last few months and get to spend more time with her. She is gold. I am enlightened after each interaction with her. I have learned so much from her in such a short amount of time. Two things in particular- her ability to listen and ask the right questions at the perfect time and her relentlessness to trust her life in the hands of the universe with such enthusiasm and positivity. Thank you. 

Maria Anyla - This was my first host mom in Paraguay. She welcomed me into her home as her daughter and not the complete stranger that I really was. She spoke to me and I listened. I couldn’t speak any spanish when I arrived in her home and was depended on her grace and patience with me. Not once did she ever make me feel bad, uncomfortable or ashamed for my lack of spanish. On the contrary she made me feel loved, provided for and safe. I learned so much about Paraguay from living in her home for my first 3 months. The bond that we created was strong and so very special to me. I have cherished it over these last 3 years and is something I will continue to hold close to my heart. 

Valentina- My sweet little Valentina. You may not even remember me once you grow up big and strong but I will never forget you. You taught me so much about loving and living even at your young age of 5. You have the sweetest heart filled with so much love and laughter. I can’t wait to watch you grow up and become the beautiful woman you were made to be! TQM 

So many things!!!

Dearest readers of mine, I apologize for the extreme delay and lapse in posting. I was too busy saying good bye to many dear friends as they depart Paraguay and close their services, also I spent a whole month in the states and was too busy having fun with so many loved ones and then this last month has been an even  bigger adjustment then I had imagined. New house, new neighborhood, new work, new almost everything. Oh any I saw the pope!

So here I am, its July our winter and i'm in shorts and a tank top. But I'm not getting to excited because knowing Paraguay it will be freezing tomorrow and I will be bundled.

I spent a few weeks before my home leave training for my new job and saying bye to the last few of the group that I came down here with. I surprised my mom and went home a week early and she was shocked! Oh and it was Mothers day so she like super shocked!  If you don't know my mother I'll let you in on a little secret, she is never surprised. She does the surprising. Well this time we pulled it off! My sister, brother, brother-in-law and father oh and little summer met me at the airport on Mothers day and we headed to my aunts for the big surprise. Lots of hugs, tears and smiles- everything we were planning for!

That month home almost feels like a dream. I did so much and ate so much. I spent lots of time with family and saw some dear old friends, celebrated a friends engagement, went to the beach, went downtown.. and so much more. One month was a long time but it could have been longer. It was the longest time I had spent at home in over 2. 5 years so I was pretty content! So much has changed but so much has also stayed the same. It's funny how life works out that way.

I flew back to Paraguay about a month ago and moved into my new house in the capitol city of Asuncion. It was a bit of an adjustment. The white walls drove me crazy the first week and I hated the smell of the place and everything felt wrong and terrible cold. Buttttt like everything I needed time. Time to unpack and reflect and start over again. And so far so good. My new house is a major upgrade compared to my old house. I feel much more civilized and I even have a couch! I have a gate and bars on all the windows and doors, I feel very secure. I am only 4 blocks from my office a total of a 7min walk each morning. There is a super market and a WaWa type gas station/ restaurant within walking distance. Also almost all my favorite restaurants deliver to my house, its a simple pleasure I did not have before.

I am in the office by 9 each morning and am off by 5. Each day I do something different in the office and I am still learning just what this job will be for the next 10 months. Right now I am helping with a lot of volunteer and staff support. I have gone a few day trips to visit volunteers and to the training center. I am enjoying learning a new side to Peace Corps and seeing how this organization works and runs internally. I hope to finish this job strongly with a better understanding of the carrier path I would like to choose.

Paraguay has been buzzing this past weekend, literally. Pope Francis arrived on Friday and has been traveling all around visiting people groups, hospitals and giving masses. I was lucky enough to be a part of the thousands of people that welcomed him on Friday. We lined the streets for 8 miles and cheered and waved as he paraded along in his pope mobile. It was truly an incredible experience. It even bought me to tears. Seeing the pride and joy in all the people was something so special, I don't know if I have ever seen something quiet like it.

That is all I have for now. I will try and be better at posting when I have things to post about. Sometimes it feels like I don't have much to say because I'm in the office all day but I promise to keep things interesting!!

A little happy house to celebrate !  

The pope doing his thing in the popemobil! I was so close! 

Hanging out with the siblings 

Bar hopping with my momma 

Cook out with my high school friends! 

Last week

Disclaimer: I have been moved out of my house and community for 3 weeks now and I am just getting around to posting this blog. I have been writing it for a month now and although I think I will technically writing this blog for the rest of my life here is a bit of what I was thinking 3 weeks ago.

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There are so many things I'm thinking about. My 2 years of peace corps service in my community has come to a close. I've done so much to get to this week, this day. I am certain it has all been worth it and now to just find peace in getting to this point. I am almost speechless expect for a few thoughts. As I try to find the best way to navigate my thoughts, it just feels appropriate to right some down here.

 I think about my first bus ride to site with a million bags hanging from my neck and back and taking the wrong bus and getting significantly lost upon arriving to site. I also think about that same night in my house crying my self to sleep in pain with dengue fever. Then I think about conquering that and WOW. I think about early mornings drinking yerba mate or tea on my porch listening to the world wake up around me. I think about all the walks to my host families house at all hours of the day. I think about my community and the kids and their smiles. I think about buying fresh eggs from my neighbor when ever I wanted them.

 I think about all the terere I've shared with my health post and any other person in my community. I think about all the hours spent waiting for my bus, the 52 and the joy that springs up in my soul when I see it coming around the bend. I think about the stars and the moon rising every night behind my house. I think about those cool evenings when the south wind was blowing in and I put a scarf on.

 I think about the change in seasons and the different fruit my yard always provided me. The bitter sweet passion fruit and the heavenly mangos and unlimited amount of grapefruit.  I think about all the delicious meals prepared in my 1 single skillet and hot plate. 

I think about those really hard days and nights when I just didn't understand what was happening or what the next day would look like. I think about those really wonderful days where nothing could have been better and I could almost skip from place to place. I think about Valentina and how perfectly she fits into my arms. I think about my hammock and watching the birds dance and sing around my yard. I think about all the visitors I've had in my house and all the meals and laughs  we shared. 

I think about going to my school and seeing all the kids running around smiling with pure joy and excitement. I think about those same kids and the innocence that encompasses their souls. I think about the poverty around me and the little effect I have on it. I think about the perseverance  that I held on to so tightly these last 2 years.  I think about all the human potential that has been celebrated and the small changes I have seen in myself and the people around me. 

 I think about how I will now only be a visitor in this little place that represents so much for me, more then I could begin to think about or write about at this moment. 

Note cards

Over 2 years ago I had a going away party before I came to Paraguay. At that party I had the guest write me letters and notes that I would open and read over the next 2 years. It was a weird idea at first but I had seen someone do something similar and it sounded neat. I knew there would be some days were I needed to open a card and hear from a family member or a friend. I sure was right. I opened those cards almost every month. Sometimes I’d open a bunch at the same time if it was one of “those days” others had dates on them on when to open them. It was fun having some snail mail already here with me. 

Its hard to explain how much joy, happiness and contentment these cards have bought me over these 2 years. I have cherished each one of them and have safely kept each one. Today I opened the last few and each one still surprises me. Some of these people I haven’t spoken with since that party and yet I read their note and feel so close to them. I thought it would be special to share a few on my blog. I thought maybe my readers would enjoy seeing some of the encouraging, loving and inspiring messages that kept my head up, heart open and mind focused these last 2 years. Enjoy!! 

Extending and Change

The blog continues! A volunteers Peace Corps service is normally 2 years. My 2 years of service finishes on April 17. That is 1 month from today. But as you might have gathered I rarely do things “normally” and therefore am extending my service for 1 more year. I have accepted a position as a volunteer programming coordinator. I will be moving to the capitol city of Asuncion and beginning my new position in May. I will be working in the head quarters office of Peace Corps with other americans and paraguayans. It will be a completely different kind of work and I am ready for that. I will have office hours and will be working on the computer and doing a lot of technical work with the Assistant Director of Peace Corps. It will be a change but change is good. 

Change. One of my most fearful words. I love change and know that it is a good and a healthy thing in the cycle of life but that doesn’t mean it comes easily. Lately I’ve been freaking out slightly. I am going to have to move to a new city, find a new apartment, say good bye to some close friends, start a new job and the list could go on. Its all change and a transition. I am writing this blog post because it feels good to sit down and write it all out, try and make sense of how I’m feeling, where this is all coming from and what does it all mean. 

When I start to freak out a little bit after thinking of all the change I start to doubt. I doubt why I’m staying and not just ending this now and going home. I start to think I am making a HUGE mistake causing a huge problem. I question everything, who I am, where I’ve been, what I’ve done and it makes my head hurt a lot and sometimes makes me cry. It’s pretty annoying all these doubts over one 6 letter word -- change. Then something happens and suddenly my doubts and problems are small and are almost irrelevant. 

A boy no more then 8 years old wonders the streets celling mixed CD’s. I’ve seen him all over my town, usually in the same dirty worn out clothes with flip flops either too big or too small asking anyone that will look at him to buy a CD so maybe he can eat that day. Then I see a man siting on the sidewalk in only an old dirty pair of shorts and watches groups of people go purchase burgers and hot dogs and beer and coke while he sits hungry and alone. There is also a women with 3 kids all in baggy shirts and rags of clothes that sits at the stop light waiting for cars to stop so she can ask for money, or anything to help feed her family. 

I could continue but I think you understand. My inner doubts and fears of change and life and whats next are so tiny to the bigger problems that I face each day in Paraguay or in the world. I have recently been challenging myself to be more aware of the problems around me and in this world and not get caught up in my world and my problems at the moment. To have more compassion for those around me. And it is not easy, its hard and difficult, scary and very sad. 

But it has helped me not doubt so much and question so much and just live with whats happening around me. I am staying in Paraguay for another year for many reasons, some that become clearer each day and others that I have yet to figure out. One of them I am sure of is to continue helping people around me live better lives. I believe with all my being that helping people however you do it in any form or fashion is one of the greatest services we can do during a life time. 

So if that means inviting that little boy to a meal and giving him some clothes, thats what we can do. Or buying that man a hotdog and giving that mother some change or some food, we must do it. We will never be able to fix all of the worlds problems but we can start in our neighborhoods with our neighbors doing a little bit at a time with the means that is available. And stop doubting and obsessing over our problems and transitions because they honestly are going to work out just fine with time. Everything can be fine with a little bit of time.