The blog continues! A volunteers Peace Corps service is normally 2 years. My 2 years of service finishes on April 17. That is 1 month from today. But as you might have gathered I rarely do things “normally” and therefore am extending my service for 1 more year. I have accepted a position as a volunteer programming coordinator. I will be moving to the capitol city of Asuncion and beginning my new position in May. I will be working in the head quarters office of Peace Corps with other americans and paraguayans. It will be a completely different kind of work and I am ready for that. I will have office hours and will be working on the computer and doing a lot of technical work with the Assistant Director of Peace Corps. It will be a change but change is good.
Change. One of my most fearful words. I love change and know that it is a good and a healthy thing in the cycle of life but that doesn’t mean it comes easily. Lately I’ve been freaking out slightly. I am going to have to move to a new city, find a new apartment, say good bye to some close friends, start a new job and the list could go on. Its all change and a transition. I am writing this blog post because it feels good to sit down and write it all out, try and make sense of how I’m feeling, where this is all coming from and what does it all mean.
When I start to freak out a little bit after thinking of all the change I start to doubt. I doubt why I’m staying and not just ending this now and going home. I start to think I am making a HUGE mistake causing a huge problem. I question everything, who I am, where I’ve been, what I’ve done and it makes my head hurt a lot and sometimes makes me cry. It’s pretty annoying all these doubts over one 6 letter word -- change. Then something happens and suddenly my doubts and problems are small and are almost irrelevant.
A boy no more then 8 years old wonders the streets celling mixed CD’s. I’ve seen him all over my town, usually in the same dirty worn out clothes with flip flops either too big or too small asking anyone that will look at him to buy a CD so maybe he can eat that day. Then I see a man siting on the sidewalk in only an old dirty pair of shorts and watches groups of people go purchase burgers and hot dogs and beer and coke while he sits hungry and alone. There is also a women with 3 kids all in baggy shirts and rags of clothes that sits at the stop light waiting for cars to stop so she can ask for money, or anything to help feed her family.
I could continue but I think you understand. My inner doubts and fears of change and life and whats next are so tiny to the bigger problems that I face each day in Paraguay or in the world. I have recently been challenging myself to be more aware of the problems around me and in this world and not get caught up in my world and my problems at the moment. To have more compassion for those around me. And it is not easy, its hard and difficult, scary and very sad.
But it has helped me not doubt so much and question so much and just live with whats happening around me. I am staying in Paraguay for another year for many reasons, some that become clearer each day and others that I have yet to figure out. One of them I am sure of is to continue helping people around me live better lives. I believe with all my being that helping people however you do it in any form or fashion is one of the greatest services we can do during a life time.
So if that means inviting that little boy to a meal and giving him some clothes, thats what we can do. Or buying that man a hotdog and giving that mother some change or some food, we must do it. We will never be able to fix all of the worlds problems but we can start in our neighborhoods with our neighbors doing a little bit at a time with the means that is available. And stop doubting and obsessing over our problems and transitions because they honestly are going to work out just fine with time. Everything can be fine with a little bit of time.
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